Raising Your Online Dating Standards ft. Luna Matatas

As a part of Sex and Self’s month-long Sexcessful fundraiser, we had the opportunity to welcome sex and pleasure educator Luna Matatas once again for a seminar on how to navigate online dating in today’s environment. Luna covered different domains of the experience, including body confidence, attraction, rejection, and the patriarchal structures which make their way into our romantic lives. Most importantly, the overarching theme of the event was all about boundary setting, and how important it is to know how to raise your personal standards when online dating. 

Everyone knows, at least vaguely, how to use dating apps. We know how to swipe through potential love interests, update our profile to reflect our interests and entertain small talk with strangers. However, when it comes to getting exactly what we want out of our dates, most of us seem to encounter challenges. Luna explained that once the initial excitement of matching with someone and chatting with them on an app starts to fade, that’s when it becomes crucial to check in with yourself. Before even meeting up with our match, she urges us to ask: “Am I compromising any part of myself?”. Particularly in femme-raised individuals, we observe a tendency to mold ourselves into what potential partners are seeking, rather than reflecting on what we are looking for. This stems from socialization, and being taught to be as least threatening and most pleasant as possible growing up, therefore teaching us to avoid standing up for ourselves in these kinds of situations. “We have to make sure we are not betraying our relationships with ourselves in order to barter with others for a relationship”, says Luna. 

I was especially fascinated with Luna’s own journey to raising her standards and discovering exactly what she wants out of her dates. It was only once a partner crossed a personal boundary of hers, and she was able to decide how to respond for herself, that she realized how much growth she’d achieved. She pointed out that it’s up to us as individuals to create an environment which feels safe for us, and the conditions which make up such an environment are unique to us. The exercise of determining these conditions can help us strengthen our boundaries and build our confidence to ask for exactly what we want. Luna encouraged us to ask another question before the date even happens: “If I were to plan a date for my own erotic needs, what would that look like?”. This ability to look inside yourself and pinpoint what it is you really desire, and what the barriers are to you achieving that, is one of the most powerful things you can do when dating.

So how do we practice boundary-setting with a new partner? While it’s something that may seem easier said than done, Luna left us with a few pieces of advice. To a seminar participant who expressed a struggle with discomfort in setting their own limits, she responded that when things get awkward, we should embrace the awkwardness! This is only one of the many aspects of dating which make us human. “Awkward is authentic!”, Luna exclaims. You can try voicing your discomfort, or acknowledging the delicateness of the conversation. Communicating what would make you more comfortable or turned on is a form of confidence, and it can only make you hotter. By being honest with your partner, you can not only receive what you want, but also observe how they respond to you putting up a boundary early on. Their response can be a major telling sign for whether or not they will respect you and your needs later on, so you don’t have to waste any time if you feel some resistance on their end and don’t want to put in the emotional labour of meeting them halfway. Being authentic in this way can also increase closeness and intimacy with your partner because you are being true to yourself.

Luna ended the talk by reminding us of the importance of taking breaks from online dating to make sure we are tending to ourselves, just as we would tend to a friend. Online dating should be a pleasurable experience, so if it’s not, we can always back out. Dating apps are a great tool to meet new people, particularly during the pandemic, but we can choose where we want to put our energy. You get to decide exactly what you want out of your online dating journey, and that’s the beauty of it all. So, raise your standards, know your boundaries, and get swiping!

Edits and Contributions by: Amrita Sandhu and Sepideh Afshar