“Inviting You In” To the History and Realities of Coming Out
“Coming out” is often seen as a necessity for LGBTQIA+ folks. A rite of passage, an announcement, that can be accompanied by excitement, trepidation, or perhaps both. But where did this term come from? How has it evolved? And more importantly, is it something that has to be done?
To understand its origin, let’s go back to the early 20th century, where many gay subcultures thrived in large American cities. The term “coming out” was actually borrowed by debutante society – think the final scene in She’s The Man – where young elite women would be presented into their upper class circles. Similarly, gay men would “come out” into gay society; you may have heard of drag balls that were frequented by many queer people of colour, which mirrored the elaborate debutante and masquerade balls of the time.
Initially, these queer spaces were not as hidden as you might assume, until growing backlash began in the 1930s, which resulted in gay folks keeping their lifestyles more secretive. Interestingly, code words and phrases as well as other queer signaling was adopted in order to safely determine if someone was also gay. At this time, coming out meant “acknowledging one’s sexual orientation to oneself and to other gay people,” but it did not mean disclosing your identity to the world more broadly, as safety was a large factor invovled.
Fast forward to the 60s and 70s, gay liberation was picking up speed, beginning with the 1969 Stonewall Rebellion which rioted against police raids in queer spaces. I would be remiss if I did not acknowledge the prominent queer and transgender people of colour who were central to this movement, such as Marsha P. Johnson, a Black trans woman, and Sylvia Rivera, a Latina trans woman. A principal ideology during this time was that queer folks will not have the rights and freedom they deserve until they “stop hiding in closets and in the shelter of anonymity”, which is to say that coming out was being reappropriated into something prideful, political, and powerful. However, this was contrasted with being “in the closet,” which was looked down upon and seen as shameful.
While this philosophy surrounding outness was presented as a means to overcome internalized self-hated and build solidarity with a community, decades later, it is important to analyze the nuance. First and foremost, it might be useful to reflect on if “coming out” even feels right for each person individually. While it can be helpful in one’s identity journey to define themselves, we should all expand our understanding of what coming out means.
Critically, we must realize that the existing narrative of coming out puts “pressure on queer people to more or less ‘confess’ our identities,” which is not something that cisgendered or heterosexual people have to do. Moreover, this viewpoint can make it seem as if queer people “owe it” to others to disclose their identity. In reality, it is an extremely personal decision and journey that no one else is entitled to.
Another common false perception is that coming out is a one-time occurrence, as often depicted in movies. However, queer folks are “effectively required to re-share our identities repeatedly, in different settings and capacities, for the rest of our lives” – especially since compulsory heterosexuality assumes straight and cis as the default. Personally, I’ve experienced people assuming I’m straight constantly, so I always have to think about either intentionally slipping in my queerness, if I feel comfortable with my audience, or being okay with feeling misunderstood.
Finally, an important thing to note about coming out is that many peoples’ identities evolve overtime as we grow and reflect. For example, sometimes trans and non binary folks first come out in terms of their sexual orientation, and then later realize they are not cisgender. Or, to share a personal account, I first came out as bisexual, but now the term queer feels more fitting (so that I don’t have to figure out if my attraction to men is authentic or solely due to the looming ever-present compulsory heterosexuality). Therefore, the idea of “coming out” that I was presented years ago does not feel entirely fitting, and can be daunting for younger queer folks if they believe coming out to be a singular declaration they are pigeonholed to.
A lovely way to shift the mindset of coming out could be that instead of considering it to be a confession, or something cishet folks expect of us, we can think of it as inviting someone into our world, identity, and personal journey. In other words, rather than coming out being juxtaposed with the shame or dishonesty of being “in the closet” that is so often portrayed in media (which, by the way, should not at all be seen that way for a plethora of reasons), it should be seen as a privilege to be shared such a special part of someone’s identity. As this cited article puts it, “‘Inviting in’ recognizes that we are always growing, and that sharing essential parts of ourselves is an act of love and demonstration of truth”.
I want to end by saying that the most important thing about coming out, or inviting in, or however you want to call it, is your safety and support. You can share or not share this part of yourself with whoever you choose to, on your own time. You can also not “come out” if that doesn’t feel right! It can be casual, it can be difficult and emotional, or it can be something in between. There is no singular experience.
Below are some resources for queer folks (and allies):
https://www.thetrevorproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/10/Coming-Out-Handbook.pdf
https://cejce.berkeley.edu/geneq/resources/lgbtq-resources/coming-out
https://www.stonewall.org.uk/help-advice/coming-out/coming-out-as-an-adult
