Authenticity is the New Enthusiasm: Examining Models of Consent
Content warning: consent, non-consensual activity, sexual assault
I know what you might be thinking: I’ve learned about consent time and time again, I know what it is. Yes, we have all scrolled through McGill’s mandatory online consent training or maybe watched some animated video explaining consent using the analogy of serving tea. But in reality, there’s a lot to learn about the deeply complex, nuanced, and ever-evolving topic of consent. We’ll examine how these models of consent started and the ways in which these frameworks affect certain marginalized groups, both positively and negatively. While it is crucial as a society to understand and preach consent, it is also a highly individual experience. Examining these models can help us better understand why we choose to have sexual experiences, what we wish to gain from them, and reflect on our journeys to perhaps learn for the future.
This blog post is very much inspired by sex educator Hannah Witton’s Why ‘Enthusiastic Consent’ Doesn’t Work For Everyone YouTube video, which I highly recommend you all go watch after reading this. While most of this post will be using gender-neutral language, since individuals of any gender can be sexually assaulted, I would be remiss if I failed to recognize the disproportional ways in which sexual assault targets women, as well as trans and gender-diverse individuals, even more so if one lives at multiple intersections of oppression.
As a young sixth grade student, I remember learning about drugs and alcohol, and being given a paper that read, “100 different ways to say ‘No’” to peer pressure. As we started learning about sex in high school, the messaging remained the same: No Means No was the way to go. This messaging essentially told us that if we are in a situation we don’t want to be in, it’s our job to decline it. Advocates for women’s rights and safety in the 80’s and 90’s had the right intention when coining this phrase in their “rape prevention campaigns.” However, this type of discourse puts all the onus and responsibility on the more vulnerable individual. Having been socialized as a woman, it can be hard to say no in the best of times, even to a social gathering. This model does not take into account how difficult it can be to utter that word, especially in a situation that would already be so vulnerable. Not to mention how much harder it gets when other structures of inequality are at play. “No Means No” suggests that consent is there, unless taken away.
The next model is that of Affirmative consent. Instead of No Means No, it is Yes Means YES! It is defined as a “knowing, voluntary, and mutual decision among participants to engage in sexual activity”. The affirmative consent model was a good improvement because it situates sex as more than something one passively does not reject, but actively accepts. Is this enough, though? Should sex just be something to accept, as if it were agreeing to play a game of basketball? Importantly, both these first two models can be quite heteronormative and assume sex is something a man offters, always wants, and is either accepted or rejected by the female partner. Once again, this does not account for those in an unequal power dynamic feeling pressure to say yes, whether or not that is what they truly want. We also must acknowledge the increased risk of violence that those who live at intersections of other marginalized identities, such as race, disability, trans status, and more.
Enthusiastic consent is definitely one way to ensure desire and excitement for the act that you are consenting to, making it less of an agreement and more of an invitation. This newer and more common way we currently conceptualize consent emphasizes a truly enthusiastic expression of want, whether through words or positive nonverbal language. It highlights mutual pleasure and desire, and is a sex-positive, inclusive framework that works for many individuals. Enthusiastic consent attempts to ensure one is only participating in things they want to do and not those they feel expected or pressured to do. That being said, the reasons individuals choose to partake in sex are vast and numerous, and perhaps this one model cannot encapsulate all the variability within the human sexual experience. It can be dangerous to fall into the trap of labelling all non-enthusiastic consent as non-consensual, or sexual assault, just because someone is not super horny. What about asexual people who might not feel desire? How about some tired parents trying to make another baby? Or sex workers who may not feel explicit attraction or desire towards the other party? What about someone who truly wants to explore new sexual experiences with a partner, but understandably feeling nervous? There are so many reasons why people might choose to have sex – in fact, one study found 237 reasons why people do so! We therefore must be careful within this model, as we cannot invalidate the multiplicity of reasons one might choose to have sex, if they feel it is honestly what they want.
This brings me to Authentic Consent. Dr. Nadine Thornhill, a Black and queer sex educator, coined this term. To quote her, “Authentic sexual consent is an agreement that is motivated by people’s sincere desire to have sex for reasons that may include (but aren’t limited to) pleasure, exploration, generosity, love, baby-making, or because it’s their job.” This model includes enthusiasm and desire as a reason for consent, but also allows space for it to be transactional, awkward, or to reach some goal. “At it’s foundation,” Dr. Thornhill writes, “it’s always about folks agreeing to have sex because it’s what they want.” The model of Authentic consent is wonderful in practice because it forces one to think about their authentic wishes. It can also serve as an interesting tool to guide us in thinking about what we want out of sexual experiences more generally. It can help us reflect and consider the reasons why we individually choose to have sex, and what we wish to gain from those experiences, if we want to partake in them. So, authentically, why do you want to have sex?
Resources for sexual assault, crisis lines, and support services:
https://endingviolencecanada.org/sexual-assault-centres-crisis-lines-and-support-services/
https://www.bwss.org/support/crisis-support/
